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HOLIDAY CHEER HOLIDAY FEAR??
When Julie was 6 she was adopted by the Jones family. For the first 4 years with them, Julie was withdrawn and moody around Christmas time. Each year when the family was opening presents, Julie would complain of a stomach ache and go to her room. Last year when Julie was 10 and her family started decorating for the holiday's, Julie began talking about Christmas's from the past. Nonchalantly she remarked, this family always seems happy at Christmas - in my birth family there was lots of fighting. That evening when her mother was tucking her into bed, she talked about her birth mom getting drunk, yelling at her and physical fighting with her boyfriend. They usually didn't have a Christmas tree or any presents, it was a disappointing and scary time for Julie.
This can be a difficult time for children who are adopted, as it can trigger upsets from the past. Too often children have experienced traumatic events during this season of joy-- causing feelings such as loss, fear, depression and anger. If you haven't adopted a child yet, this can be helpful as you plan your first winter holiday together.
Here are some ideas that could assist you in having a joyful season:
Last year you were living with___________, what did you do there? Do you remember other winter holidays?
Last year we_________, I remember you got really angry during dinner and you had to go to your room. What do you think we can do this year to make sure you can stay with us at dinner?
I wonder what other Christmas's, (Hannukahs, Kwanzas) were like for you. You'll find that *wondering or noticing* can open the conversation better than asking questions.
Talk with your child/ren about the holiday schedule - and as much as possible PLAN it with them. Make sure they know clearly what you'll be doing as a family.
Most children who are adopted have had little control over their lives and need a structured and nurturing environment to further their growth. Predictability will create a sense of safety that surprises can disrupt.
Attune to your child's wants and needs by imagining the holidays from your child's perspective.
REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF-- practice Being with your family rather than doing for them.
Lyn Marx, M.S., L.P.C. is an experienced child and family therapist and has completed the Post-graduate certificate training in Therapy with Children who are Adopted and their Families, through Portland State University. After completing Level 1 and 2 of training in Cybercounseling through Toronto University, Lyn started an online counseling/coaching practice for families touched by adoption.
For more information about Lyn and services she offers on-line, go to www.adoptionsupportonline.com or call her at (541) 514-5572. |
